American Virgin is the story of a college freshman (Jenna Dewan) who walks to the tune of a higher moral code. Her chastity is her personality- it's her life. Which means in the course of this film she will get drunk, use illicit narcotics, and explore carnal knowledge. It's the gold standard in a movie like this. Throw in the polar opposite roommate and it's all good.
Now instead of trashing this film by comparing it to a substance that comes from a buttocks, I'm going to address an issue I had with this movie. Let's be honest- you know it sucks and you don't need me to tell you that fact. I'm going to talk about the only person in this movie I have ever heard of- Rob Schneider. Rob, you were in Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo. You were in The Hot Chick. You're Adam Sandler's bitch! Of course direct to video garbage is exactly where this guys career has been going for ages. Is this really a surprise? No, didn't think so.
So if you're interested in a film where the best acting is from a rubber phallic item you can buy in any discreet downtown "video" store, then this is the film for you.
Do I really need to go over the plot of this film? Do I? It's like every other film of its ilk that's shot out of Hollywood in the last thirty years. OK, let's do this review as a quiz and you can score yourself:1) Georgia (Nia Vardolos) is a Greek history professor who can not find work or a man. In the course of this film she will...A. Make Gyros B. Find a man and get a job offer, but turn the job offer down for her man. C. Introduce communism as a viable political philosophy for the Greeks. 2) Richard Dreyfuss plays a man who is a smart ass, talks about going on trips with his wife, but his wife isn't there. Where is she? A. In a better movie. B. She left him for Val Kilmer. C. She's dead.3) The hairy bus driver that never talks will be... A) Judge Lance Ito B) A bus driver. C) The "man".Add in some stereotypical tourists and you're all set. You've got the movie. Enjoy. Thanks for playing.
It Might Get Loud follows the progression of three generations of guitar players and locks them in a room together so that they can discuss their craft and play. The trio features Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin, The Edge of U2, and Jack White of the White Stripes. Each goes over their stories of coming of age with the electric guitar. The thing about It Might Get Loud is that it not show how each player progressed with the electric guitar, but it also gives the audience insights into each mans personality. Jack White is obviously trying to create a legend for himself, but this pseudo marketing campaign he's on reads as almost pathetic at times. Yeah, he may be a great guitar player, but the story he wraps himself with seems almost convoluted and cliched. Sure, you like vinyl. You're trying to be old school. You failed. Sorry. Good luck on the next shitty Bond theme.The Edge plays just as you expect the Edge to play in this film. He spends a lot of his time traveling back to the school where U2 was formed and basically reminisces about the good old days of Irish bombings and Top of the Pops. He also shows us a rig that would make anyone except David Gilmour shudder with delight.Finally, you get Jimmy Page, who has a tone of history to go through and presents as the most down to earth of the three. This is surprising since Jimmy supposedly worshipped Satan and was the guardian of a 14 years old love slave in the 1970's. To say that Page has mellowed is a mild way of putting it. He sure as hell can play a guitar, even with powers bequeathed by the dark lord himself. He discusses being a session musician and Led Zeppelin (sadly, not much Yardbirds stuff). The most interesting part of the film is Page standing in the foyer of Hedley Grange, discussing how they recorded the DRUMS for When The Levee Breaks. Bonzo even gets a mention in a guitar doc.When the film ends, you will wonder one thing: Why couldn't this whole thing have been about Jimmy Page. He's the most down to earth guy in the room, probably because he's Jimmy Page. The legends that both of these guys are trying to build (particularly White) he's had for almost thirty years. Seeing Page play makes me even more pissed off at Robert Plant for choosing an Allison Krauss tour over Led Zeppelin. Of course, he could always use David Coverdale...
Did you ever just get out of a relationship and wonder what the hell went wrong? Everything seemed fine. 500 Days of Summer recounts the 500 days that Tom (Joespeh Gordon-Levitt) is obsessed with Summer (Zoey Deschanel). From the first meeting, through the good times of pretending Bed, Bath, and Beyond is their home, into the bad times, and finally ending in meltdown, it's all there as a documentary/ highlight reel, skipping back and forth throughout the relationship, counting down the days like an efficiency love expert.
The opening of the film states flat out that this is not a love story and it isn't at all. It's more of an examination of a personality (Tom) and how he sees his relationship with Summer. You see it from his eyes and not until the final few minutes does the audience experience that moment of clarity with Tom- this has a long time coming, sir. The film serves as an examination of the modern relationship from the earliest days of finding out that the two of you like the same band to the dreaded engagement ring.
Director Marc Weber bounces back and forth not as a gimmick, ripping off Tarantino or the hundreds of directors that followed him. Weber's splices and dices coincide with each other so that you get a film that isn't choppy, but flows from one section of their love to the next. Each skip complements the other. 500 Days of Summer is a wonderfully shot and acted film that goes beyond the popcorn crunching norm of boys and girls hating each other until realizing "Hey, you're OK". It's almost in reverse.
Bruno is basically Borat, except this time it's a gay guy trying to become famous in the USA. It's like Candid Camera from hell, trying to shock the people that Bruno runs into during his jaunt across America.
The thing about it is that Bruno is not the work of genius some people believe it to be. Now I loved Borat, but the problem with Bruno is that it's basically recycling the Borat formula with another character. The trouble this time is that, like Mike Meyer's Scottish accent, it's been done before. Bruno does have its funny moments and its shocking moments (jaws were agape from the people I watched this with) but it really drags in certain places- and this is a short movie.
Bruno is about shock value. Yes, it shocks. It also fails to live up to the expectations the audiences has after seeing Borat.
Road House is one of those rare movies that are really, REALLY bad. But damn it, you can't help to watch it. It is so hokey, cliched, and bad that the mind can't fathom why you're watching this film. You know the plot- Patrick Swayze plays Dalton, the typical moral good guy with one name. He's a bouncer. He gets hired to bounce at some shithole town that is ran by the worst villain I've ever seen named Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara). I don't get it. Who in the hell is going to be afraid of a guy named Brad Wesley? So Dalton takes it upon himself to clean up the shithole town, meeting a doctor in the process. They get it on in his rented horse stable loft.
Now an amazing thing about Road House is in its clientele. Before Dalton gets there it's filled with numerous women, dressed in the height of late 1980's fashion and hair taller than Kareem Abdul Jabar. There women look like they just walked out of a Whitesnake video. It's these women that are hanging out at this shithole bar in this shithole town, hanging out with a bunch of guys that look like rejects from a Deliverance sequel. BUT... when Dalton shows up, the male clientele gets better looking, dressing nicer, looking not as imbredish. That must be the power of Swayze.
That's what is great about Road House. You can't take it seriously. It's like streaking or drinking a marshmallow shake- you're not really getting anything out of it. It's mere junk food, but it mesmerizes you. Maybe it's the mullets? Maybe it's that rare appearance by the legendary Terry Funk. Or maybe it's the hippie Sam Elliott. Whatever it is, it's good, clean, American fun.
Once again, what is old is new again. Re-boot fever has taken over our favorite London detective in Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes. No, this isn't Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce, it's Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law as House and Wilson-oh, sorry- Holmes and Watson. The film centers around the duo capturing Lord Blackwell (Mark Strong), who has been involved in some odd rituals, other than tea time and depression. After being hung it seems that his Lordship rises from the dead and takes a shot at taking over England and points west, so it's up to Holmes and the recently engaged Watson to stop this maniac and bring order to the London.The first thing I want to get out of the way is the assumption that this Sherlock Holmes is an ass kicker and the film basically pisses on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's work. Yes, he is an ass kicker, but the mind of Holmes is still there. That over worked (or over drugged) mind that has mesmerized his audience for over 100 years. Of course this movie livens it up a bit, because we're in a post Bourne world where everyone is trying to rip that movie off (I'm looking at you James Bond). The film is a very entertaining romp that fires on all cylinders. Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law make a great team with Rachel McAdams playing the ever present femme fatale. The film clocks in at over two hours, but doesn't feel like it. That's always a good sign right there. It's CGI heavy, but it doesn't really feel that way- either they did a good job or we've been beaten in the head with it so much that we don't notice anymore. Sherlock Holmes is a nice little popcorn flick that delivers an entertaining two hours and with the weather being as craptastic as it has been lately, this probably wouldn't be a bad one to warm up to.
