Some people just don't take no for an answer. Or goodbye. Or go to hell. Sandra Bullock plays one of those people in All About Steve, a film about a newspaper crossword author whose mind runs a little bit too fast. When Mary (Bullock) gets set up on a blind date with Steve (Bradley Cooper, who is the recipient of this years "I'm In Every Movie Award") she feels a connection, a feeling that they just click as a pair and takes some of his "just being nice" suggestions as an offer to hit the road with him as he travels with his news crew covering story after story. As the movie flows, Steve gets more and more paranoid and aggravated by Mary's gusto for hooking up with him, mainly due to the star reporter (Thomas Haden Church) egging her on.
All About Steve is another in the line of road trip movies which seem to come and go in popularity as time goes by. Cooper just did sort of one with The Hangover. Last year's Miss March was probably the worst of the bunch. It follows the same plan of a quest. It could be The Lord of the Rings or it could be National Lampoon's Vacation, they all have one goal- to get where their going and what they're after.
The problem with All About Steve is that Mary just gets annoying after awhile. Instead of a quest movie, it turns itself into Smokey and the Bandit: we want Steve to get the hell away from her as soon as possible. We root for Steve as he rushes away sporting a fake porn star mustache. This is where the film fails. Fortunately the banter between Cooper, Thomas Haden Church, and Ken Jeong (who is also in every movie now) fill the gaps that are caused by the film not quite knowing what the hell it is.
Command Performance follows the adventures of a drummer named Joe (Dolph Lungdren) as he plays Moscow as part of the opening act for American pop star Venus (Melissa Ann Smith). Everything's good, right? Nope, because a group of terrorist come stomping in, shooting the audience and hold the Russian President and his daughters hostage. Who will save them? Only Ivan Drago!
I'm going to be honest with you. I rented this because it looked like pure shit. Occasionally I like to watch a total piece of garbage just for the hell of it. It's therapy. So my hopes weren't set to high. Then while watching the credits I get the surprise that the film was written and directed by Dolph Lungdren. What!?! The guy can barely act, let alone run a production. But the truth is that this is an average action flick. Hey, average is better than blah! I was actually entertained and even though Dolph loves the shaky cam, he does a respectable job as director. He's no Scorsese, but it works.
Now I'm not calling this a great movie. It's not a good movie. It's actually a bad movie. But it's Death Wish 3 bad, not Spider-man 3 bad. Just think of it as vegetating for an hour and a half while Ivan Drago goes around kicking ass.
American Virgin is the story of a college freshman (Jenna Dewan) who walks to the tune of a higher moral code. Her chastity is her personality- it's her life. Which means in the course of this film she will get drunk, use illicit narcotics, and explore carnal knowledge. It's the gold standard in a movie like this. Throw in the polar opposite roommate and it's all good.
Now instead of trashing this film by comparing it to a substance that comes from a buttocks, I'm going to address an issue I had with this movie. Let's be honest- you know it sucks and you don't need me to tell you that fact. I'm going to talk about the only person in this movie I have ever heard of- Rob Schneider. Rob, you were in Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo. You were in The Hot Chick. You're Adam Sandler's bitch! Of course direct to video garbage is exactly where this guys career has been going for ages. Is this really a surprise? No, didn't think so.
So if you're interested in a film where the best acting is from a rubber phallic item you can buy in any discreet downtown "video" store, then this is the film for you.
