The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010) *

O

I have to open up this review of the new Twilight film Eclipse with a little story. It's kind of reminiscent of my review of Made of Honor and the long walk that was made by numerous men drug to the film by their wives/girlfriends/mistresses. As I sat in the theater waiting for the lights to dim and the screen to light up with images of pale vampires and topless werewolves I yet again saw the long walk, as if these guys were going to the electric chair. I wanted to stand up and walk over to these sad guys with their heads down low and give them a hug and say "It's going to be OK. We're going to get through all of this. I saw Ghosts of Girlfriends Past being the only male AND the oldest person in the theater and that movie had a topless hack that couldn't act, too." But then I realized that I was in a theater showing a Twilight movie and two guys doing that would be very, very gay. 

Eclipse opens up with what can only be described as a feminine hygiene commercial. Our two starring lovers Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Bella (Kristen Stewart) are in a beautiful meadow with blooming flowers and bright sunshine around them, which is funny because he isn't burning to death or sparkling. As the film progresses Shark-Boy (Taylor Lautner) continuous tells Bella that he knows that she is in love with him because he has great abs and mediocre acting ability. I have to apologize to the word mediocre for using it to describe or topless hero. While the whining continues there's some kind of vampire army being created so that a vengeful vampire (Bryce Dallas Howard) can get even with Bella and her vampire posse. In an effort to thwart her plans the vampires team up with the wolves to stop the growing influx of illegal immigrants-eh vampires.

Eclipse is schlock of the lowest common denominator, a piece of melodramatic drivel written so that we can get some heartfelt exchanges and teenage lust. I don't understand how people can read this shit when I can barely stand to sit there and watch it. The characters are one dimensional dishrags that have no substances other than to give their respective looks for the camera. Bella is always looking down, depressed because she isn't dead yet. Edward has that GQ look to him that screams "that's right baby, too good to be true." And Jacob is the king of the temper tantrum, sulking with his bottom lip poking out. Cry my hands full, baby.

This is a very basic movie. You have to ask yourself the question: Why would the wolves want to help the vampires to protect Bella? Hundreds of years of antagonism between the two parties and they suddenly decide that we should make friends so that we can protect the goth chick that isn't even a local. I believe in the tooth fairy, too. I understand this is a film about vampires and wolves, but at least center the god damn thing in some sort of reality, not a fantasy land of shimmering corpses and instant abs when you reach puberty. 

At it's best moments this film is a total waste of effort. I've used the term "all gravy and no meat" before and with Eclipse there isn't even gravy. Just a lonely styrofoam plate, totally disposable because you can grab a new one next time. That's what this film and the entire "saga"  reprsentsa disposable cash cow. That ticket will get paid for. You'll by the DVD. Tweens will plant the posters all over there walls, much to the chagrin of their father's drywall skills. You'll forget about it when it's gone.

Now's the part when I write that it doesn't matter what I think and that millions of dollars and tickets will be generated in the coming weeks from this juggernaut that is comparable to a Lifetime Original Music version of Harry Potter. It's still true. If you were going to buy that ticket you don't give a fuck and what I say, I'm just one of the haters. If you weren't going to buy the ticket, good for you. Do something redeeming like watch Benny Hill or something. His program was full of insane erotic relationships, too.