9 1/2 Weeks (1986) *

Let’s just say it right now: 9 ½ Weeks is really a high end Skinemax flick. There’s no plot. There’s no real acting. There’s nothing believable in this thing. You could hyave replaced Kim Basinger with Marilyn Chambers and Mickey Rourke with any random Hollywood actor under the age of thirty and make the same quality of film.

The story goes like this: John (Rourke) meets Elizabeth (Basinger), who runs an art gallery in New York. He flirts. She says no. Then says yes. They do the no pants dance. John humiliates her. She almost leaves. No pants dance. Repeat. There’s your film. Basinger’s character is a dishrag not only for John, but for the film itself. She’s just set dressing and that’s it. No real depth at all. John is even more shallow. He wears a siuit, works in an office, and is really into humiliation. The only use for this film a quarter of a century later is to make us realize that at least we’re not aging as bad as Mickey Rourke. This film is crap.