The Love Guru (2008) 1/2

Every once in awhile and actor comes along that you just want to beat the hell out of. That actor is Mike Meyers. I don't know why but with him doing the same schtick over and over again, constantly flashing that god awful Canadian smile at us I just pisses me off. I don't get it. I just hate his guts.

It's probably because The Love Guru is just another version of Austin Powers with Meyers playing up excrement and masturbation humor to its fullest. Wait a minute! I can't use the word humor because they're not funny. Now before you label me a prude, I enjoy a good joke about poop. One of my guilty pleasures is a film called Night Patrol, a 1984 film featuring a farting Billy Barty and a masturbating Pat Morita. Even a scuzzy film like that can make it funny. After years of Mike Meyer's doing it as Austin Powers and now as Guru Pitka it just seems desperate. Very, very desperate.

The Love Guru is about a hockey player named Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco) who leaves his wife (Meagan Good) for some "bitches", but becomes obsessed with her coming back after she hooks up with goalie Jacques "Le Coc" Grande (Justin Timberlake). The Maple Leafs owner (Jessica Alba) decides that the way to win the Stanley Cup is for Guru Pitka (Meyers) to come to Toronto and cure Roanoke of his problem and get him back together with his wife.

Yeah, the movie sucks just as much as the plot. I could bash Meyers some more, but we all know what his problem is. Instead of actually having his face in films he decided to take the quick payday and voice Shrek for half the decade (I really, really, REALLY wish that they would give us a cut of the first film with the original voice of Shrek- Chris Farley). So what happened? Austin Powers got stale real fast and people like Sandler and Rogen took over Mike Meyers spot. As I said, the Love Guru is just another Austin powers movie that was rewritten to not quite be an Austin Powers movie. This film is such a piece of utter garbage that words can't describe how universally awful it is. If Ed Wood was alive he would say that The Love Guru is shit. I could talk about the acting, but it's awful and there's no point in wasting the time. Ben Kingsley is in this! Ben Kingsley who won and Oscar for being Gandhi! He goes back to the well and use his Gandhi skills for this piece of shit? What the hell's wrong with you, Ben? Remember Schindler's List? Just say no, man. Just say no.

God, even thinking about this movie again is giving me a headache. I just realized something. Some people like to be whipped. Some people like to use clothespins in areas. I like to watch toilet remains like the Love Guru. Isn't it kinky?