Twilight (2008) **

Based upon the first volume of Stephanie Meyer's vampire saga Twilight is one of those eternal love stories that tries to be a modern day Gone with the Wind or Titanic but is drowned in its own pop culture excesses and laughable dialogue. The film is about Bella (Kristen Stewart) who goes to live with her father in Forks, Washington. She's the new kid in school and you expect her not to fit in, yet she does quite quickly which is shocking for a story such as this. She ends up in biology class having to share a lab table with pale Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) who performs a super freak out and disappears for a few days. Even though Edward is an asshole to Bella she becomes more and more intrigued (furthering the film stereotype that girls like to be treated like dirt, even when the guy's a vampire). As the film progresses what you figured would happen happens- the two fall into vampire love, yet Edward must fight the urge to treat her like a Big Mac.

I can't say anything about the book having never read it and having no desire to do so. I did see this film and found that the story was kind of blah. You know blah. Like eating an over cooked piece of steak or biting the neck of an old lady. It just doesn't go down well. There are just so many problem with the script it shrieks out to me as "Rushed!". Things that I don't understand, such as if the family of vampires named the Cullens have been around for so long why do the kids bother going to school? They stay secluded to themselves anyway. What's the point, other than writing the book and/or script. The script also introduces characters just to be slaughtered by the evil vampires (whose own existence in this film and/or book is only there to give an antagonist and cause some tension during the last thrity minutes) so that we can have some kind of emotional bound as an audience with the victim. We don't. We can't because they were only on screen for forty-five seconds. Things like that bother me, but the one line that was laughable was:

"You're like my own brand of heroin."

I'm sorry, but that line made me cringe and giggle at the same time it was so damn hokey.

The direction feels like direct to video schlock. Yeah, Catherine Hardwicke gives us some nice views of the Pacific Northwest but otherwise it's Direction for Dummies time. Slow motion for aesthetics is one thing, but doing it because it's hip on MTV just sucks.

And that's what Twilight is when it's all in the can- product hand crafted for pop culture. Who cares if the movies good, teenage girls and their mothers will flock to the theater to see it and wait in line at Wal Mart for the DVD's. Guys will have to go because their girlfriends will be dying for it. This is a masterpiece of gothic literature or film making, it's a masterpiece of merchandising. It's Hot Topic Star Wars, kids.

I will admit to being entertained by the film. That's about all I can say about it. It held by interest for two hours. I'll probably forget about until the next movie comes out and there will be one because it's out in paperback and this one made $$$. $$$ makes the world go round and the cameras roll.