Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002) **1/2

The Phantom Menace was a film that proved that Star Wars could flub. Big time. As three years clicked by we thought that the next one will be better. The nest one has to be better. Production stills and trailers and merchandise teased us with a film that could capture the feeling of the original saga. It didn't happen.

Attack of the Clones is set 10 years after the events of The Phantom Menace. Obi-Wan (Ewan MacGregor) and Anakin (Hayden Christensen) are master and apprentice in the Jedi Order. They've been given the assignment of finding the assassin of Queen Amidala (Natalie Portman). Anakin and Padme fall for each other and there's a battle with these mysterious clones from the title ordered years ago by a thought to be dead Jedi.

Just trying to describe the plot is exhausting. There is so much thrown at you that it's like throwing bricks at a ladybug in the front yard. There isn't as much political intrigue as in the last film, but it's been replaced by an enormous collection of CGI collections and over the top situations. By over the top I mean that the odds of all of these events falling into place in one film are a number so large I just don't want to deal with it. Kind of like thinking about the plot.

The problem with actually reviewing Attack of the Clones is that I don't know who to blame for the acting. Do I go after the actors themselves or do I attack George Lucas and his feeble attempts at writing dialogue. It is horrendous. It's as course and harsh as the sand Anakin can't shut up about. The scenes where the pair are falling in love are such drivel it hits the brakes on a film where even most of the action sequences can'r save it, as opposed to The Phantom Menace that could pull you back in a little bit. At least Christopher Lee is in it as the antagonist Count Dooku, the only performance worth noting. And maybe Ian McDiarmid. I guess those guys can work thru terrible writing.

Attack of the Clones is a bloated film with no real soul to it. It feels like a mass produced item (which it is at this point) playing fan service with a couple of cool scenes and appearances (Jango Fett and Yoda). Otherwise the film is a disappointment. It isn't worse than The Phantom Menace, but it's not better. It's even. The tone has shifted, nut there isn't anything there to hold on to. This film leaves a "meh" feeling because you know that the real payoff is in the next film. Where Empire succeeds as the middle chapter, this film fails at miserably. This film is yet another disappointment and further discredits the franchise it's a part of.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) **1/2

Ray Park as Darth Maul in The Phantom Menace

I’ve had a saying that I’ve used for almost 20 years now in relation to The Phantom Menace. I compare the film to waking up Christmas morning expecting some great present only to receive socks. Nothing against socks. They have a place and are quite needed, but there’s no flash with it. The same goes for The Phantom Menace, a film that really doesn’t live up to the excitement of the films that came before it.

The film follows the early adventures of Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan MacGregor) and Anakin Skywalker (Jake Loyd), the boy found in the Tatoine desert by Master Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson). In that sentence the film sounds like it would have some potential. Throw in trade routes, treaties, and Jar Jar Binks and you derail any exciting ideas that are out there. Sadly, this is what the film focuses on as it fails in many ways. Bloated with CGI overindulgence and dialogue that is embarrassing the film relies on its action, which it hands out in spoonfuls.

Looking back over 15 years later you can see what a great film this could have been. The opening scenes with the Jedi fighting droids and hiding on the planet of Naboo. The pod race. The ending with three fronts and Darth Maul. If these sections could have been bridged in a better way than this could have been a far superior film than it turned out to be. Why, of why, didn’t we get more Darth Maul when he was plastered on every piece of merchandise back in 1999? There are the parts to a good Star Wars film there, just not enough hardware to pull it together. Would it have compared to the originals? No, but that’s ok. This film was parsecs away from those films (error intended)

What The Phantom Menace represents is the footing that the saga is built on. It’s buried deep underground and doesn’t serve much purpose. It’s there doing its job, even if it’s an ugly mess. Kind of like socks. I’ve softened a bit on the film, but I can’t call it anything more than average. That’s it. An average film equals a horrible Star Wars film. Even years later this is still one of the most disappointing films of all time.

Terminator Genisys (2015) **1/2

When I first watched Terminator Genisys I was mesmerized by it, chewing on how it returned to the original film and getting those chills because I thought that I was experiences James Cameron's 1984 masterpiece again. The thing about T:G is that once it's over and you're able to digest what you've just witnessed, you realize that there really wasn't as much there as you thought. We can call it celluloid fast food if you will. Comfort food taking you back to a time when Terminator films were good.

The film opens by giving us a physical representation of the night John Connor (Jason Clarke) sent (or is it sends) Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney) back to 1984 to protect Sarah Connor. We get to relive all those early scenes when Reese and the Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 arrive in Reagan era Los Angeles, but things have suddenly changed. Our favorite cyborg killing machine is met and destroyed by an aging Terminator unit (Arnold Schwatzenegger) and Sarah Connor is already a bad ass that saves Reese's life. And this time there's a liquid metal T-1000 on their tail, too. It seems that things happened before 1984 that changed everything and Reese and Sarah time travel to 2017 to stop what amounts to an over hyped app that will eventually become SkyNet, the evil computing system of the series.

There are many issues with this film and it's hard to find a place to begin addressing them, but we can start with casting. Emily Clarke delivers an acceptable performance as the rebooted Sarah Connor, Arnold returns to his signature role, even though he is goofy at some points that soils the memories of the original film, and J.K. Simmons is an underused treasure. That's the good, now let's get to the bad. Jai Courtney really doesn't feel like Kyle Reese. I can't blame it on me trying to place him in Michael Biehn's role since I can accept Emily Clarke in her role. He just doesn't feel right and it pulls you out of the film, but not as much as Jason Clarke's portrayal of resistance leader John Connor. Out of the numerous actors to play the part I would have to vote him the worst. The Terminators have more humanity to them than his performance and he is totally unbelievable as a man that would rally men and women to die for him. That performance is a mess.

As is the timeline, which becomes another issue. The viewer spends a large hunk of the movie trying to figure out how events and dates could have changed so drastically since we now know that what would have happened if events (such as Terminator 2: Judgement Day) did not occur. It makes you think, but not in a good way. It's very annoying and pulls you straight out of the film because you start looking for plot holes. The film ignores 3 and 4, which it should.

Overall TG is an average sci-fi action film that builds on being part of the Terminator franchise. You remember what you loved about the original film and bask in its ghostly glow for a good portion of this film, but you later reconsider what you saw and it begins to fall flat as you realize that this isn't James Cameron's first film, but a re-imagining that Hollywood loves to produced to keep the franchise and $$$ alive. Will a person rewatch this film? Yes, but for all the wrong reasons. It's not because it's a great film, but more a morbid curiosity on whether it will create those feelings again or if the viewer will only be duped once.

The Conversation (1974) *****

Between The Godfather and The Godfather Part II Francis Ford Coppola made a film developed from an idea he had almost a decade earlier. Ironically, the main idea behind the film (tape recording) would be the focal point of one of the worst scandals in American history that was going down as this film was being produced and released.

The Conversation is about surveillance expert Harry Caul (Gene Hackman), who is a legend in his field, but has skeletons in his closet. Supported by his assistant Stan (the always great John Cazale) Harry has been hired to record and report on a couple (Cindy Williams and Fredrick Forrest) by a man only known as The Director (Robert Duvall). As the job progresses Harry begins to worry about what the consequences of the information he's about to deliver will have on the parties lives based on an incident from his past that still haunts him.

Hackman plays Caul as a very low key individual that doesn't want any attention, yet is the center of attention in his little world of watching and listening. He's an anxious little man that knows his business and understands who to operate his personal life to keep it out of his work life. Hackman had hit it big by this point and The Conversation really is a change of pace compared to some of hos other work, mainly looking at The French Connection.

The other surprising standout in the film is Harrison Ford as Martin Stett, the threatening thug like individual that is the barrier between the world and The Director. Ford's performance is very confrontational, but he doesn't really do anything to give you a reason to fear him. It's all in your head.

The main theme of The Conversation is paranoia. The thing is that the paranoia belongs to Harry Caul. He's the one that's watching people, but he's the most fearful in the film. From the early moments of the movie you see how Harry dictates his entire life to maintain his privacy and you get to the point that you wonder if maybe some of this fear is in his head, held up by Harry having some delusions leading him to fear that history was going to repeat itself.

Where the two Godfather films were expansive films traveling over thousands of miles and involving decades. they're open and airy and give you plenty of room to breathe. The Conversation is the opposite. It's a claustrophobic film that has you breathing heavy from the fear of what's closing in on us. The stinger on all of this is that even though there is no one nearby, you are being held close with the technology that lets you see and hear from elsewhere, which ironically has become even more prevalent forty years later with our advances in tech. The film itself serves as another Coppola classic from his prime era in the 1970's It's a great film that kind of gets pushed away due to the Godfather films. 70's grit at its finest, almost symbolizing the greatness of the cinema of the era.

Chappie (2015) ***1/2

Neill Blomkamp films tend to tread on that future that is just beyond our reach. Looking at previous work, such as District 9, it could be a few months or decades into the future. The present is there, but the cusp of the next big thing exists. It may not be as bleak as some, but there still is a horrifying ingredient of the evil that men do. And yes, it is generally man that commits the heinous act.

In Johannesburg,  crime has spiraled out of control. As a reaction to the rise in illegal activities the police enlist the help of robotic officers. I know what you’re thinking: Robocop. But that’s not where this film goes. It’s merely a cornerstone to the overall story, plus these robots are more agile than Robocop. Think about comparing an elephant to a jaguar. These machines are highly successful and leads their creator (Dev Patel) to obsessively work on a new program that defines consciousness. After “requisitioning” a unit that is going to the scrap heap as a test subject, the creator uploads his software and life begins for Chappie (Sharlto Copley), but not before he’s taken by a group of criminals that had their eye on The Creator to turn off the robots so that they can commit crimes without their interference. The proceeding film follows Chappie as he quickly grows while be influenced not only by his environment, but the rules set down by The Creator.

Obviously, you’re feeling some Biblical references with The Creator and Chappie’s struggle with following his orders and adapting to the environment he lives in, particularly the influence of Mommy and Daddy(Yolandi Visser and Ninja). There is a religious arc throughout the film as the character falls and rises again. There is a definite District 9 feel to the piece that harkens back to that fine film. I will warn you that if you’re seeing this title thinking that it’s a children’s film, you will be sorely mistaken. This is far from it, even with the Short Circuitesque plot. Hugh jackman plays a nemesis that does things to our protagonist that goes way beyond the norm, more like torture, Steer kids away.

Blomkamp has delivered another emotional rollercoaster film that encourages the viewer to think about our society right now, from the viewpoint of a possible future. It also delves into the idea of the meaning of life, but with a refreshing take. Chappie doesn’t try to answer the question of what is the meaning of life, but it follows the process of an individual learning what that really is and that’s really the whole essence of this film. Though it has some flaws, it’s a fine film that delivers some introspection when least expected. ***1/2

Zombie Nightmare (1987) 1/2

He's the hero Gotham deserves.

Zombie Nightmare is about a softball player who is hit by a car and killed. He is then brought back to life by a voodoo priestess. He takes out his revenge on those who killed him. There are cops involved and some stuff. 

Zombie Nightmare is a film more terrible than the description I just wrote, a film so poorly executed, written, directed, and acted that it has become the stuff of legend for almost thirty years. When I stumbled on this film I didn't know MST3K had riffed it long ago, which the filmmakers should be thankful for because that means it shall live forever, if not in the way they wanted.

Adam West gets top billing. He's in the film less than 10 minutes. Motorhead get a major credit for music. The Ace of Spades plays over the credits with the rest of the soundtrack being mid '80's death metal of the blech sort. Tia Carrere, pre Wayne's World is in this and actually gets screen time, but is not the vixen on the cover of the film. 

So now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's actually talk about the movie. If you like your movies padded then this is the one for you. We get some driving, some more driving, a mediocre chase in a gym, yadda, yadda, yadda. It's the typical stuff that pads a movie from student film to feature length. 

The acting? Well, when Adam West is your best actor, that about sums it up.

Ugh, this movie is so bad I don't even want to talk about it anymore. The writing sucks, the plot twist is predictable, and the only meaningful experience you can have with this film is making fun of it. 

I think I've written a review as terrible as the film.

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) *****

Apocalyptic films are usually a hit or miss subject. Many are forgettable or cliched to the point of being one big joke, kind of like the film within the film by the Mackenzie brothers in Strange Brew. Some films get it really right, while others get it really, really wrong with disastrous and silly results.

When one thinks of the modern apocalyptic film the template for that genre of cinema was crafted by George Miller. His major debut Mad Max (1979) was less apocalyptic and more a '70's exploitation car chase flick sent to hell and back, making the film an achievement in film making. It pushed the envelope at the end of the decade.

It would be the sequel to that film, Mad Max 2 or The Road Warrior here in the states, that would define Miller's vision of the world beyond the end, the people that lived after the "event". The Road Warrior is one of those rare films that exceeds its predecessor with a story that, while simple, is presented in a way that is unforgettable and burns itself into your psyche.

We'll skip Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. It has its place and its moments, but is really a film that Miller cared very little about as he left the world of Max for thirty years.

Mad Max: Fury Road is a return to the supercharged film that The Road Warrior happened to be. Max (Tom Hardy) once again runs afoul of a mutant clan using slave labor and water to control their little piece of a broken world. Led by Immortan Joe (played by Hugh Keayes-Byrne, who played the Toe Cutter in the original film) a chase ensues after  Furiosa (Charlize Theron in an awesome performance) steals a commodity that is sacred to the enraged leader.

A simple story if there ever was one, but this goes beyond that. Fury Road is open to close action with very little time to catch your breath. Some films are called a roller coaster ride, that age old cliche that they slap on posters. Fury Road is like going into hell  without any looking back. It's funny that a film set in a fictional version of our world can draw so many parallels to life itself.

What really stands out in Fury Road is the role of women. For a film titled Mad Max, the strongest character in the film is Furiosa, a warrior that does not give up, leading her ironic cargo to a promised land that may or may not exist. Distant memories or wishful thinking? There are moments when Max feels like a side character and this is Furiosa's movie. It's an amazing thing to see in film where a woman is neither a pawn nor a gimmick, but an integral piece to the film. She is the center that everything about Fury Road revolves around.

I was more than sketchy when I heard that another Mad Max film was on the way. So many returns in the last decade have floundered over the indulgences of these sequels and reboots. It's about a 50/50 split in that arena. Fury Road is probably the best of the bunch and is probably one of the best films of 2015 so far. It is a credit to credit masterpiece that really cuts at the other blockbusters of this year and the almost stagnant world of super hero movies. Fury Road is, ironically, a breath of fresh air in a cinematic universe that tends to regurgitate last years product. Dare I say that this film is Miller's masterpiece, possibly even surpassing The Road Warrior? I don't know, but I really, REALLY want to watch it again.