Hey! You want to know why Eddie Murphy didn't win an Oscar for Dreamgirls? This is it.
I've learned not to expect much out of Eddie Murphy. Has he actually done a good movie in awhile? I can't remember. What makes Norbit so special? Why is Norbit accepted as such a horrible film across the globe? I couldn't figure it out. It bothered me, it tore at my soul. So I had to find out for myself. And within the first few minutes I had my answer. The film also stars... drum roll please.... Cuba Gooding, Jr. That's right, the guy that won the Oscar and then let his career swim in a sewage treatment plant is in Norbit. It's not Eddie Murphy! It's Cuba!
The film has Eddie Murphy playing Norbit, his rotund wife and probably some other characters that I didn't care about. It was cool twenty years ago Akeem, but that stuff got old and we get enough of that in Mike Meyer's movies. The orphanage plot is horrid with acting that isn't really acting but trying to keep up with Mr. Eddie's ad-libbing. The film centers on saving an orphanage. No, Norbit isn't on a mission from God, he's playing a foil to his large wife and her criminal family, who are the ones that want the orphanage for other investment gains. Of course there's the cute girl (Thandie Newton) that got away, who- that's right- is there to save the orphanage because in the movies only good looking people are good and people that look like me are evil.
I have to say once again that the fact that Eddie Murphy is in this should have been a brown crap flag from the start. It's OK, we can blame Eddie since he also helped write this piece of shit. Shame, Eddie. Shame. I don't know what to tell you. What happened to the Eddie Murphy that wore blue leather suits with 75 zippers and was going to be the next Richard Pryor. I guess Eddie really has followed Richard Pryor in that the movies he did in the twilight of his career were crap too.
Every once in awhile and actor comes along that you just want to beat the hell out of. That actor is Mike Meyers. I don't know why but with him doing the same schtick over and over again, constantly flashing that god awful Canadian smile at us I just pisses me off. I don't get it. I just hate his guts.
It's probably because The Love Guru is just another version of Austin Powers with Meyers playing up excrement and masturbation humor to its fullest. Wait a minute! I can't use the word humor because they're not funny. Now before you label me a prude, I enjoy a good joke about poop. One of my guilty pleasures is a film called Night Patrol, a 1984 film featuring a farting Billy Barty and a masturbating Pat Morita. Even a scuzzy film like that can make it funny. After years of Mike Meyer's doing it as Austin Powers and now as Guru Pitka it just seems desperate. Very, very desperate.
The Love Guru is about a hockey player named Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco) who leaves his wife (Meagan Good) for some "bitches", but becomes obsessed with her coming back after she hooks up with goalie Jacques "Le Coc" Grande (Justin Timberlake). The Maple Leafs owner (Jessica Alba) decides that the way to win the Stanley Cup is for Guru Pitka (Meyers) to come to Toronto and cure Roanoke of his problem and get him back together with his wife.
Yeah, the movie sucks just as much as the plot. I could bash Meyers some more, but we all know what his problem is. Instead of actually having his face in films he decided to take the quick payday and voice Shrek for half the decade (I really, really, REALLY wish that they would give us a cut of the first film with the original voice of Shrek- Chris Farley). So what happened? Austin Powers got stale real fast and people like Sandler and Rogen took over Mike Meyers spot. As I said, the Love Guru is just another Austin powers movie that was rewritten to not quite be an Austin Powers movie. This film is such a piece of utter garbage that words can't describe how universally awful it is. If Ed Wood was alive he would say that The Love Guru is shit. I could talk about the acting, but it's awful and there's no point in wasting the time. Ben Kingsley is in this! Ben Kingsley who won and Oscar for being Gandhi! He goes back to the well and use his Gandhi skills for this piece of shit? What the hell's wrong with you, Ben? Remember Schindler's List? Just say no, man. Just say no.
God, even thinking about this movie again is giving me a headache. I just realized something. Some people like to be whipped. Some people like to use clothespins in areas. I like to watch toilet remains like the Love Guru. Isn't it kinky?
I have been looking forward to this movie for so long. Why? Because I'm a huge fan and have read all the books? No. Because Robert Pattison is such a fine actor? No. Because I enjoy films starring Shark boy? No. I have been looking with great anticipation because I knew how horrible the movie was going to be. And guess what? I GOT MY WISH!!!New Moon picks up where Twilight leaves off with Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) having a birthday. Bella is afraid she's getting too old at the ripe, old age of 18 and goes birthday Nazi, except for the bloodsucker birthday hosted by Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison). While at the party Bella gets the worst paper cut in the history of the world, causing the Sideshow Bob look vampire to go all after all that, causing the ruin of a perfectly good piano. Edward decides to leave as a way to protect Bella, even though other vampires and werewolves, and Crips are lurking in the Washington forest. She soon becomes and adrenaline junkie that gets visions of Edward playing Smokey the Bear where she does dangerous stuff, leading her to hang out with Jacob (Shark Boy) and spend weeks working on a pair of motorcycles that they only ride for two minutes. Jacob cuts his hair, takes his shirt off, becomes and ass, and becomes a dog. Edward decides to kill himself (thank God) and it's up to Bella to stop the Liberace Vamp from getting pulled apart by Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning.Did you get all that? The movies as messy as that paragraph and even worse than its predecessor in the "lets make the tweenies swoon" department. Robert Pattison's introduction in this film made me laugh out loud, being so damn ridiculous. It looks like a bad Abercrombie commercial complete with music. This is the happiest depressed vampire I've ever seen. And another thing: the next time I hear people complaining about William Shatner's acting, I want this guys name brought up. He pauses every two words. Bella....................................................do you.......................................................want............................................................black olives......................................................on your..................................................................sub? No wonder this movies over two hours! Could you imagine if these guy was in the film more than the small amount he appears (give me an AMEN!)? Kristen Stewart is a better actress than this garbage, but it's a steady job that will get great PR. Just don't pull a Mark Hamill, dear. We can't forget Taylor Launtner, who obviously has gone to the McConoughey school for acting which means you need to have your shirt off as much as possible- who cares if you act for shit? Even on a rainy day in Washington in February. What's better than that? Four guys with their shirts off. What's even better? Edward Pattinson showing off his Michael Jackson post-mortem physique near the end of the picture. I'm serious folks. It's like comparing me in 1996 to The Rock. I could go another hour about the dialogue. It's hilarious. I have to applaud these actors and actresses because I don't know how they can say this shit with a straight face. The one redeeming thing about this movie was Michael Sheen as the Lestadt like head vampire that is always so damn happy. The reason he's got a smile on his face is because he can't believe that script either. He is actually very good in the movie, though he won't be noticed because he doesn't take his shirt off and have crappy metro sexual rock tunes playing in the background.The film is too long by at least fifteen minutes, which could have been fixed by having Pattinson talk a little faster and cut the depressed looks of the cast down by about 50. There's also a storyline dealing with another vampire named Victoria that gets no real resolution and didn't need to be in there other than to pad the numbers. If the books are as badly paced as this movie its no wonder the world is going to hell in a hand basket.But at the end of the day it doesn't matter what I think. Ladies between thirteen and 90 and their mothers, aunts, and sister will all flock to this movie and bring some poor schmuck of a guy with them to see the vomit that is being projected onto the screen. Just like Star Wars fans would flock to a movie with George Lucas wiping his ass with one hundred dollar bills for two hours as long as there's the big title sequence and a light saber, ladies will flock to this cess pool vampire soap opera as long as it has unkempt hair and topless child stars. Even more so than the first film, this is an example of a huge money making enterprise that has no redeeming value other than selling tickets, merchandise, and more books.
After The Sunset is another example of what James Bond does when he retires.Sometimes he becomes Harrison Ford's dad. Sometimes he ends up in The Spice Girls Movie or Boat Trip (+1). Occasionally he ends up being in films co starring The Nanny or Daffy Duck. Or you end up being George Lazenby. So welcome, Pierce, to the pasture that holds all of the former 007's. You'll never live it down (unless you're Scottish).
The film is about a jewel thief (Brosnon) who commits his last heist with his girl (Salma Hayek) so that he can retire to the Bahamas. Of course, we know it won't be his last heist because there's still an hour and a half left in the film. The couple are living the good life to its dullest until the FBI man he ruined (Woody Harrelson) shows up to harass our thief over a cruise ship docked on the island that holds yet another huge, unsellable diamond.
To make a long story short. Sure, the film is way over the top with most of the characters having telekinetic powers. It's like a criminal X-Men because they can plan each others moves like clockwork. The script is ridiculous and knows it. That's what's OK about this film. it knows its borderline crap and goes with it. There isn't much action involved with Brosnon making Harrelson look like a horses ass throughout the film, but it's acceptable because it won't really bore you. And it's better than Mamma Mia.
I Love You Beth Cooper takes the high school standard of "THE" girl that ruled the roost over the four years of education you go through and the infatuations that males had for her and wraps them up in a neat little bow that presents the class geek (Paul Rust) professing his love during graduation. An interesting premise, I must say and it could have worked if the script was written with any kind of sincerity, the direction was worth a damn, and had acting that was above the putrid level of two geeks at a bus stop doing Monty Python skits.
What invariably happens is that the geek and his best friend (Jack Carpenter) end up, through a series of circumstances, on the town with the geeks queen Beth Cooper (Hayden Panettiere) and her entourage. Of course there's the party that gets crashed and the pissed off boyfriend, but it's what happens during this final night of high school insanity that the geek realizes the Venus-like girl in his head is not the wild teenage girl crashing into his parents Volvo.
As a plot on paper the film sounds pretty good. It's an age old formula for decades, but it sounds like something different compared to most of the teen comedies out there. But then we get the script, which is an atrocious series of misadventures that zig zag without anywhere to land. There's the psycho, coked up, Army boyfriend (I though they gave drug tests) who is this Superman chasing our harem throughout the night, yet is defeated in a towel fight, never to be seen again. The acting is terrible due to the fact that it rests on Panettiere, who isn't the greatest actress in the first place. A poorly acted movie that's only saving grace is Alan Ruck as the geeks father. Yes, Cameron had a kid (see if you can get that reference).
I Love You Beth Cooper is essentially resume filler for the cast with Panettiere being able to say that she had a starring role in a film. This film was directed by Chris Columbus, who quit making the Harry Potter movies after the first two. Now we know why.
So I was going through the video store, looking around at the garbage that Hollywood produces these days and lo and behold I found a film called Midnight Meat Train. Whoa! This movie doesn't belong here! It belongs in the back behind the beaded curtain. Then I notice Vinnie Jones and blood dripping across the window and realized that this is some kind of horror movie.Midnight Meat Train follows the exploits of a butcher by day, butcher by night played by Vinnie Jones who boards a late night subway train, gets a few people alone, then proceeds to slaughter them in some of the worst CGI I've ever seen. I'm serious, Abraham Lincoln would laugh at this CGI. Throw in a photographer (Bradley Cooper) who starts investigating our butcher and you get a film that tries to be a little Hitchcockian, but ends up flat, tasteless, and dull. The photographer's decent into the obsession is supposed to be the intriguing part, but it just comes off as a tedious plot point to climb over as we wait for more Vinnie Jones slaughter. Sure Vinnie is a bad ass, but could they have given him at least one other facial expression. It wasn't much of a stretch for Vinnie. Just tell him his favorite soccer team sucks and you have "the look".Written by Clive Barker, who is still riding the greatness that was the first Hellraiser, Midnight Meat Train is basically a very cool name with a shit movie attached.
Whatever Works follows the life of Boris Yellnikoff (Larry David), a genius physicist who blows all that stuff off to teach kids how to play chess and spread the good will of his philosophy to the masses. Cynical to the extreme. One night while returning to his ram shackled apartment he stumbles on a Southern teenager living on the streets named Melodie (Evan Rachel Wood), who Boris reluctantly helps and develops into a disciple of his own Borisology. Of course, the two end up falling in love and getting married with the most shocked party being Boris himself. The problems arise when Boris' new in-laws that are obviously of the red state mentality are thrust into the way of life in NYC- and make Boris' life a living hell.
Whatever Works represents a turning point in Woody Allen's career. The film breathes like some of his best stuff from the '70's and '80's, but he's realized one important fact- he is too old to play himself anymore. Boris is so blatantly Allen that it should be announced before the film that "the role usually reserved for Woody Allen will tonight be played by Larry David. You can obviously hear these lines come from Woody Allen's mouth ten or fifteen years ago. Larry David fills in fine and seems to know when to let his inner Woody come out and when to pull a Costanza.
The rest of the cast is very good with Wood playing the naive southern belle up for all its worth, giving a comedic turn that I haven't seen from her. Patricia Clarkson plays Melodie's mother who succumbs to the "hedonism" of New York City and instead of making dinners for her husband (an awesome Ed Begley, Jr.) decides to become a photographer and enter into a relationship where she lives with two men. That damn NYC!
Whatever Works is a Woody Allen movie. love him or hate him, he makes a good movie here or there. This isn't one of his greatest films, but it's definitely not one of the worst and has some very funny moments, usually coming from Boris' mouth. Being your typical Allen movie the characters go through a series of hellish, obscure, defining events, but in the end there's a moral to the story that you can either take with you or send off to neuron oblivion.
Hey! You want to know why Eddie Murphy didn't win an Oscar for Dreamgirls? This is it.
